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Confessions of a Broken Mom

It was Sunday morning, fifteen minutes before we were to leave for church. Things were running smooth; the kids let me sleep until 7, everyone had eaten breakfast without complaint, I was dressed and ready to go. Just as planned. I asked my six-year-old, Silas, to get dressed while I took care of some odds and ends – filling water bottles, packing snacks.

That’s when things took a turn for the worse. Silas started yelling and screaming. He didn’t want to go to church, he didn’t want to get dressed. He was flat out defiant. My husband and I tried all our usual techniques, but this kid was not budging. He was screaming and yelling and claiming that ‘we all hated him’.

On many days I would have kept my cool. But, today was not one of those days and I lost it. I proceeded to yell louder than I’ve ever yelled at him. I screamed a terrifying scream from deep within my soul. (After things cooled down a bit, the kids said I sounded like a dragon) I felt like I had no control over my emotions and I was letting my anger rage.

Silas went to his room. I sat on the coach, defeated. I decided we could not go to church. How could I go to a place of worship when I had just acted this way? How could I go to a holy place when I was mean, impatient and full of anger? I felt un-worthy.

But, as I sat and thought about what to do next, the only thing that felt right was to get up and go to church (after I apologized to Silas for so drastically losing my temper). It’s in times like this that I especially need my savior. And, I do not have to be perfect to come to him, to seek Him, to ask Him for help. He takes me as I am. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” Romans 5:8

I am broken. But it is in my brokenness that the glory of Jesus shines. Because, although I am broken, He makes me new. Although I make mistakes, in Jesus I am forgiven. Although my anger is like scarlet and my impatience red like crimson; In Jesus they shall be white as snow and wool. “’Come now, let us settle the matter.’ Says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

In Jesus each moment is a moment of new beginnings. Your past is behind you. You are a new creation and this moment is your chance to do the next right thing.

I remember a time when I would have let this situation ruin the day. I would have sulked and held grudges and not admitted that I had done anything wrong. But I am not the ‘old me’. I am a new creation.

I asked Silas and God for forgiveness. We went to church. I spoke with my boys in the car about sin and forgiveness and emotions and self-control. We didn’t let the argument ruin our day... We enjoyed the day. We enjoyed each other. We enjoyed the beauty of God’s grace and forgiveness.

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come.”

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